Ye Olde Menu

The FIFA series has had pretty much the same menu screen for the last four games.  Whereas it does the job, our eyes are bored of the bland titles, our ears are bored of the obscure music and do not get us started on the stupid dotty-circle-loading icon! I know it’s a tedious task but change it up EA Sports, give the job to an intern or something.

The arena feature is unique to the EA Sports brand and is used in a number of their different sports games – it’s genius.  However, I can remember a certain FIFA World Cup 2006 having a much better arena screen, which allowed a multiplayer kickabout as the game loads.  Why was this ever taken away from us and substituted with some dodgy striker vs. goalie mini-game?

Let it snow…actually – don’t!

The FIFA series is famous for its realism – genuine kits, sponsors, commentary, terrace chants, emblems etc, but when it comes to the weather system, is it really worth it?  Despite what Andy Gray says in the repetitive commentary (another area for improvement), nobody in the world LOVES playing football in the snow and there’s certainly nobody who likes playing in the snow on a video game.

All too often the player finds themselves squinting after a white ball, which is being passed about by Real Madrid wearing their sheet-white home kit in the snow.  Just get rid of the snow.  Snowbody is going to miss it – sorry, that was embarrassing.

Introducing the End of the Introduction Scenes

There’s no denying FIFA’s excellent gameplay, albeit with a few annoyances.  Every match has the potential to contain a certain pass or skill move you may never have seen before, every shot from the halfway line has that slight percentage of creeping under the bar and that’s what we play these games all year round for.  Sadly, the same cannot be said for the pre-match intro scenes.

We’ve all seen these jittery surrogates shake hands a million times, we’ve seen the virtual referee ‘warm-up’ over and over again – there’s nothing that EA Sports can do to make the intro scenes better, other than to remove them altogether and spare players the misery of waiting those extra 40 seconds before kicking-off.  There’s nothing worse than starting another online game to redeem yourself after a loss and being forced to watch a glitchy ceremony, as you hopelessly smack the controller to somehow skip the scene .

Full Time…

There’s a whole host of subtle problems with FIFA 11 (random online points system, Extra Time Only? The inability to change shorts/socks colour, annoying substitution animations, manic goalkeeper behaviour, the nest of cooperative gameplay bugs and so on…) but we all still play it religiously.  We’re not slagging off EA Sports here, we are merely shining a light in the shadows created by positive reviews of enhanced gameplay and Ultimate Team game modes. We love FIFA, we just want to love it a bit more!

What improvements would you like to see in the new FIFA 12?  Get back to us in the forum below…

Oh how we’ve been struggling for Muppet content since the end of the football season.  Now it’s back and with it comes misguided Mario and his expertise in idiocy.

The Italian was named Muppet of the Week three times last season, which is a record on The Sport Report.  First he had trouble with a grass allergy, then he couldn’t quite slip into a warm-up bib before ending the season with at least £10,000 in parking fines – he’s a satirical sports news website’s dream!

It was suggested we have a separate page on the site completely dedicated to Balotelli, as Muppet of the Week doesn’t have the capacity to catalogue all of his ‘episodes’.  Sadly, we can’t allow this feature to happen because next thing we know, everybody will want a dedicated page – Tiger’s Secrets of the Woods, Wayne Rooney’s Elocution Lessons, At Home with The Giggs’ – you get the idea.

Mario Balotelli will grace the premier league with his unique talent this season and he will equally grace the internet with his ever-promising-to-go-viral behaviour.

Last night’s shameful showboating (see video below) is just the beginning and we can expect to see the striker cause so much stress for Roberto Mancini, that the manager will have no choice but to up the dosage on his Just For Men.  To be fair to Mancini, he dragged Balotelli off immediately after his lazy trick shot last night.

Balo reacted rather well I thought (by his own standards), he sulked for a while and finally through his bocky-bock to the floor – Mancini’s new assistant coach, Jo Frost a.k.a. ‘Super Nanny’, is obviously paying dividends.

Place your hypothetical bets in the forum below on how many times you think Balotelli will claim The Muppet of the Week award this upcoming season…

The weather was as miserable as it gets and all the participants deserve a soggy pat on the back for even completing the course.  Clarke was constantly duelling with second place Phil Mickelson for the Claret Jug, dropping shots and picking them up again to eventually finish on 70 for the day.

It was an impressive display from Clarke to win his first major title in the game, carrying a trademark smile from start to finish too.  Youngster, Rickie Fowler also impressed, finishing with a Par tournament.  Fowler is forced to wear horrific outfits as part of his Puma sponsorship and because of his affinity with his university colours, these outfits all come in bright orange – he looks like a cross between an Easy Jet employee and a Chewit.

Miguel Angel Jiminez stole the show though with his casual, cigar smoking approach to the Open.  In the fiercest of conditions, Jiminez puffed his way through all 18 holes to finish on +7.  His poor performance didn’t matter though, he looked like Castro on Tour and carried the image in such a way that will inspire young golfers to take up heavy smoking – what a guy!

Sport can only benefit from such characters – I’d love to see Sam Allardyce munching a Big Mc in the Upton Park dugout or Andy Murray having a whiskey between sets at Wimbledon.  Happy Gilmore is one of the greatest sport-related comedies ever made but Adam Sandler’s unique protagonist is exactly what the game needs, Jiminez is (in my opinion) the first step towards a better golfing generation.

I understand traditionalists will be gagging at such a suggestion but you can keep your silly pants and ‘Quiet Please’ signs.  Cigars are cool and help Jiminez control the stress of the game – it beats bottling everything up and eventually crashing your car during an argument over how many porn stars you’ve slept with, ay Tiger?

Tournament winner Darren Clarke, also enjoys an in-game cigar but Jiminez has just got that Cuban/Mexican/Portugese look that makes it look much cooler (he’s Spanish by the way)!

The two teams had a sparring session last year but Beckham missed out due to an achilles injury.  This time he’s fully fit and eagerly anticipating the match, especially after scoring directly from a corner-kick against Chicago just last weekend.

His former side, Real Madrid, will be looking to sharpen their claws by picking away at the Los Angeles outfit, in preparation for what promises to be another hotly contested La Liga.   With Barcelona at the helm, Madrid need all the preparation they can get to reclaim the Spanish crown.

Some may see the friendly as a bit of a holiday-game but the Beckham factor could create a little bit of competition amongst the players. The former United star has expressed his feelings for the Spanish giants saying:

“I spent four amazing years at Real Madrid. To go from a club like Manchester United to Real Madrid, it really doesn’t get much better than that in football. I’ve got many friends still there, many friends as players and fans and throughout the club as well.”

Beckham has forever been in the public eye and the media hang on to his every word but he appeared very chilled out on the Late Show with Craig Ferguson (see video below) just last month. Still, it annoys me to hear the former England captain refer to football as ‘soccer’ – it makes me feel cheated, like Stacy Giggs, Abbey Clancy, Coleen Rooney and every other WAG who knows perfectly well what they’re getting into (apologies, I got a little carried away there)!

Speaking of WAGs, Posh and Becks have just welcomed their newborn daughter into the world and have come under some harsh criticism for naming her ‘Harper Seven’.  I think it’s a lovely name and a great way to pay tribute to Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman for what was a classic detective picture from the ’90s.

As for the game tomorrow – it is not going to be broadcast live on British television but can probably be found on a number of illegitimate websites which I would know nothing about or condone in any way.

Kick off…

LA Time: 7.00pm Saturday 16th July
UK Time: 2.00am Sunday 17th July

I’m fully aware that this is perhaps the most awkward selection for ‘One to Watch’ ever but there’s really not much else on!

…then again, he’s glum and unimpressed most of the time anyway so perhaps he enjoyed the banter – there’s really no way to tell!

Murray was whiskers away from reaching the Wimbledon final recently, losing out to Rafael Nadal in the semis.  He was sporting a kind of John McCririck/Wolverine look during the tournament and attracted some rough criticism as a result.

Former Davis Cup captain David Lloyd, reportedly suggested Murray could benefit from a clean-shaven look.  A daring journo repeated the comment at a press conference (see link below) and Murray’s grizzly reaction made the whole thing feel like a cringey scene from The Office.

You don’t need hawk-eye to tell you Murray needs a shave but leave the lad alone, he obviously couldn’t care less about his face.  Murray is perhaps the most miserable sportsman of our generation but charisma and good grooming habits will not win grand slam tournaments.

If Roger Federer is the Mach 3 of tennis then Murray is undoubtedly the Bic, he may not have the aloe-vera strips and vibrating handle but he gets the job done and we like him for that!

Anyway, the awkwardness he creates in the video on BBC’s website is much better to watch than a smooth set of chops.

Over the years, there have been some major malfunctions in the kit department and the Premier League has witnessed some jerseys you would rather not see – but never has there been a goalie kit you can’t see at all! Everton’s camo kit is will blend into the Goodison turf and startle strikers approaching a goal defended only by a floating head and a pair of gloves.

I’m worried Everton are plotting to seize the Premier League using military tactics and I’m even more worried because Tim Howard is American, which means we could see a lot of blue-on-blue fire (own goals) going on at Goodison.

At least when things aren’t going their way this year, the Toffees can blame lack of support and helicopters – Sorry, was that too far? And I haven’t even used my ‘War on Terry’ line yet!

Whatever is going on at Everton it’s wrong – a woodland themed jersey, with two elephants, a cockerel, a water tower and the word ‘Chang’ in the middle, is about as random as it gets in football.

I am excited to see if Tim Howard embraces his new uniform and wears a bullet-belt to intimidate penalty takers, sweeps for mines around the area when Everton are attacking and fortifies the six yard box with sandbags before a free-kick.

Everton’s tour starts at White Hart Lane on the 13th of August where they will come up against WMD Gareth Bale.  Good luck to the Toffees and Tim Howard, who will no doubt get some stick for his attire from the terraces – still, we’d like to hear some of the jokes prior to season start, so do your worst in forum below!

Related: see Paul Harper’s article on Everton’s controversial pink away kit last season here.

Chelsea have gone through more managers in recent years than their captain’s gone through married women.  Sorry John, if you commit adultery in the public eye then you’re inevitably sentenced to life condemnation by press like me.

The club have established a core group of players in the likes of Drogba, Terry, Lampard and Cech but since Mourinho departed they have failed to settle on a long-term leader.  Many believe it’s the haphazard nature of club owner, Roman Abramovich who apparently, is equally indecisive when choosing dessert (I’m kidding, I have no idea about Rom’s dinner behaviour).

As refreshing as it is to see a new figure at the helm of London’s bluest club, it’s the same story every time – these two quotes by the club are genuine:

On the appointment of Carlo Ancelotti in 2009: ”Chelsea Football Club is delighted to announce that Carlo Ancelotti has agreed to become our new manager. He has signed a three-year contract and will start on July 1, 2009.

“Carlo was the outstanding candidate for the job. He has proved over a long period his ability to build teams that challenged for, and have been successful in, major domestic and European competitions.”

On the  appointment of Andre Villas-Boas: “He has signed a three-year contract and will start work immediately.

“Andre was the outstanding candidate for the job. He is one of the most talented young managers in football today and has already achieved much in a relatively short space of time.

A certain Jose Mourinho also signed a three year deal as ‘the perfect candidate’. Phil Scolari, Avram Grant, Guus Hiddink – if all these men were ideal candidates, why did only one of them survive more than two seasons at the Bridge?  Villas-Boas better know his new job is temporary, no matter what Abramovich says – the role is a glorified maternity-leave covering position, keeping the seat warm for the next Champion’s League runner-up.

Chelsea put all their energies into their Champion’s League adventures and are quick to forget the mammoth achievements of the club, domestically, over the past seven years.  If Villas-Boas goes on to win a ‘fake treble’ (Carling Cup, FA Cup and Premier League), it will not guarantee him a Chelsea pension.  Yes, it’s surprising that the blues have yet to bring home the top trophy in Europe but when did they get the cheek to hire and fire some of the world’s top coaches based on the one competition?

During the time of possibly the greatest Barcelona side ever, any club who pivots their boardroom decisions solely on the Champion’s League is naive.  Good luck to Villas-Boas, who is essentially the 21st century’s version of Catherine Parr (who was the only wife of Henry VIII who survived, so who knows?).

Stacey married Giggs four years ago and the pair have two children together.  For the sake of those children, Giggsy tried to keep a lid on his affair with Imogen Thomas by spending nearly £200,000 on a super-injunction.  However, the whole situation went sour pretty quickly and soon enough, everybody knew Bruce Willis was a ghost…sorry – wrong secret.

Stacey has stomached a massive blow to her marriage this week and given her full support to her other-half as he approaches the biggest game left in his career.  It’s an admirable display of forgiveness and commitment – what we don’t know is what the Welshman had to agree to in order to receive his pardon…but we’ve guessed:

- Don’t sleep with Imogen Thomas again.
- From now on, text Stacey my every move, even if it’s a jog down  the Stretford  End for a warm-up.
- No more shows that may feature Imogen Thomas shall be viewed or mentioned (Basically, all programmes that use the word ‘celebrity’ in the title).
- When buying a super-injunction in the future, I must enquire about how ‘super’ it actually is before paying.
- Never underestimate the we-don’t-give-a-crap-about-legality attitude of the public.
- The argument ‘But everybody else has done her once’ is always invalid.
- Stop hanging about with Wayne Rooney.

In all seriousness, if Giggs hadn’t implemented a gagging order, nobody would have found out or cared.  He might as well have spent £200,000 on a huge ACME spotlight to follow him around. MP John Hemmings named and shamed the United winger in parliament last week and opened the floodgates for vultures like me to feed off the story and write something (just because we can…I think/hope).

Anyway, it’s a massive own-goal on Gigg’s part but his wife has showed real strength by sticking with him for the kids. For that Stacey Cooke/Giggs, we honour you with the WAG of the Week award – previously received by a certain Imogen Thomas for igniting this wildfire in the first place – oops!

We’re all for the use of expletives on live TV because it’s funny to watch nervous presenters try to apologise.  Bellew, 28, had no regard for the SKY Sports cameras and after just a minute of mild banter, was throwing swear words around like wild hooks.

His opponent Nathan Cleverly, 24, was on the receiving end of some fantastic insults but went on to use his own curse later on – we can’t repeat it here but it began with ‘P’ and rhymed with ‘Rick’.

The fight was originally scheduled for Cleverly to face Jurgen Brahmer but after Brahmer ‘chickened out’ (as Cleverly put it), Tony Bellew admirably stepped in with just 24 hours notice!  He made sure everyone knew about it too and demanded ‘the upmost respect’ from his Light Heavyweight World Champion opponent.

When Welshman Cleverly said his scouse opponent was using ‘excuses’, Bellew blew his fuse, exploding into a frenzy of harsh words.  ‘F***ing little rat’ was a favourite of ours and we particularly liked ‘I’m going to smash your rat nose everywhere.’

Security had to force Bellew away from the table but he somehow convinced them that he’d calmed down (no scouse reference intended).  Upon allowing him to return, the 15-and-0 man changed his tune and switched to annoying-mode.  It was a clever tactic as his counterpart resorted to swearing himself to get a point across.

Bellew ironically, and knowingly I think, with: ‘I can’t believe you have just used that language, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.’  He spent the rest of the conference with half a smile and seemed proud of his ability to get inside Cleverly’s head so easily.

It was apparent that his hard-case approach to the meeting had gotten the better of the champion.  The two fighters shook hands when the conference adjourned and after all the mouthing off, Bellew was expected to give a fiery performance in the ring…

…unfortunately he didn’t make it that far.  Tony Bellew failed to make weight for the fight and ultimately made all the press room antics embarrassing and pointless.  What a muppet!

Perhaps we’re being unfair as the lad did only have a day to get prepared and I certainly couldn’t get in shape on 24 hours notice for a fight with Nathan Cleverly – certainly not while Subway exists (other fast-food chains are available and nice.)

Currently, the two camps are negotiating a fight in the upcoming future, so Bellew may well get his chance to make us look like the muppets.  Keep checking in here and we’ll keep you posted on the details.